Dan’s Posterous.

Perhaps it was infatuation.  Maybe I was just crazy about this girl that could do no wrong, and always seemed to know the answers.  I think I bottled up my feelings about her though, I think I wasn't completely honest when I should have been, you know?  I mean I loved this girl with everything, and I just couldn't explain it to her, she was just too sweet.  I know we'll never talk again, and I know this is my decision.  Everything about it is hard, I mean even the period when I was away from her, I still thought about her a ton.  I acted like "oh, yeah I just totally forgot everything, but it was still there, and I didn't even say that".  The worst part was I was still logging into Facebook (even though I promised a close friend that I had deactivated my account) and still checking on her profile?  Weird? Yes.  Completely fucked up?  Probably.  I just wish people could understand me, I mean, I wish I even understood myself at times, because honestly sometimes I make no fucking sense.  Maybe I was just acting incredibly irrationally because I was in a relationship, and I didn't know how to react to the amount of love I was given, that I never truly appreciated.  I should have.  Knowing what I do now, I wish I would have been more appreciative of everything, everything that was offered and taken from her.  I should have listened to her, and lived for the moment, because it was such a short thing.  I have all these thoughts running in my head, and I can't shut them up.  I sat down to work on my stuff for school, and I just don't even want to go into what I was thinking.  It sickens me to think that I'm like this.  I wish I could be like other people, and simply shut them out.  I cannot.  I wish I could stay true to my word, and not fuck things up.  I cannot.  It's disheartening, I think about the effect I have on people and I honestly wonder, have I hurt people like this that I loved as bad?  I certainly hope not.  She was a good girl, nothing wrong about her.  She has just about every aspect a guy could like in a girl.  She said she didn't "expect anything of me", but I felt as if she deserved the world, and that I could not give it to her.  She tried to explain to me that it was not like that, and I declined.  I was foolish.  I still am.  So here I am, writing at approximately 8:31am in the morning, I did not sleep very much last night (I went to bed at 2).  Hopefully I can get some rest in tonight because I'll need it for this week.  I've got very many things going on that I need to stay on top of.  I just didn't like the uncertainty of it all, you know?  I am a person that feels that if I don't have control, or I cannot see where something is going, I feel uneasy.  I wish she understood how sorry I was for everything I had done to her, emotionally, physically, psychology.  I'm not asking for an apology, I've been given more than any human being on this planet deserves.  I just wish she would try and understand that I tried, even if it didn't feel like it.  Even if it always felt like I was doing a half ass job with the relationship.  I tried telling her I'm just not good at this sort of thing, and being her sweet self, she denied it to be true.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  You don't just meet girls like anywhere.  They're special.  I feel like I've been handed a million dollars, and been told that it was rightfully mine, yet I somehow passed up the offer, and said I could not accept it at this time.  I thought maybe I would just need a week to think, but I've had time, if I don't know now, I will never know!  Every guy I know (okay well most, some of them are sleazy bastards) would give their right arm for a girl like this, for such an opportunity, why can't I accept?  I think we ended things in the best way possible, both complimenting each other, and although it was ugly, I think deep down, she understood me.  And she knew that even though this was entirely my decision, she could accept it, because she truly knew how I was.  She loved everything down to my middle name (which is Scott), how could she not understand you know?  Anyways, she still knows how I feel so I guess that's all that matters to people in life, you know?  (why am I asking you? I don't know.)  Not leaving any problems unsolved, or tasks left to be finished.  She kept saying "this is what you want, you're happy, you should be happy (variations of that)... and I don't know what will make me happy in life anymore.  It's crazy, like I thought she was what made me happy in life, but that's insane to be so dependent on someone to feel any sort of cheerfulness.  I was talking to my Mom about this last night, and she mentioned that, "maybe you're just dependent on her to get through your day or make you happy, or share your thoughts and be open with them".  At the time, I was like, no that can't possibly true.  Sadly, I started realizing it was... Checking my cellphone during the day, thinking about her; to most that would probably deemed pathetic right?  Like I must have some serious issues right?  I dunno, she always said of all the guys she dated, I was the only one that really cared.  Sometimes I think I cared too much, not that she wasn't worth caring for, but that it worked toward my detriment.  I would talk to her for hours and hours, just not getting anything done, just devoting a ton of my time to her completely willingly.  That's why at times, I felt that this was a necessary action that needed to be made.  Like I tried telling her I couldn't stay up late doing phone calls with her or IM'ing her, but I couldn't help it, I was so hooked, so interested.  I'm trying to figure out how I'll get through today, what will I set my mind on, that will allow me to break through this slump I'm in.  I've been through this before, surely I can find a way to get through it, right?  Who knows.  Man, I should write a novella, or maybe even a novel about this, I could write till my hands lose all feeling.  Even then my hands would just continue to jam away at the keys and I would just be sitting here looking at my screen like a zombie.  I'm actually writing a dictionary, it should be out shortly.    I honestly wish I knew why I posted this, and I seriously knew I had the answers to all the problems, but I don't.  Wow, I might actually crash the Posterous.com server, because they've never had a post submitted at this length, how admirable.  Ugh, I feel like an idiot posting all of this, but sometimes I just need to write it out, it's quite analgesic.  Yeah, that's right I used that word, analgesic, look that up in the dictionary why don't you?  I didn't make it up, it's a real word.  Wow, I think I'm just going for length now, but there was a ton of meaning to this post though no doubt.  I'm sure you can find it somewhere in there if you look closely.  Dig around.  Nothing?  Hm, I don't know what to tell you, I just pour my heart out onto the page.  I'm not revising this post, I think it's perfect the way it is :) .  It will probably be one of my last as well (lol), but it was quite a run I had in this whole blogging business.

-talk about stem cell research (is it right? i don't know)

-talk about cloning (b/c it sorta goes hand in hand with stem cell)

-how to be a productivity master (does it work?)

-Architecture from inert growing materials, is it safe?  (TED video)

-how stupid some people are

-talk cutesy, which always means a lot to me

That's a summary of everything, but I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more attached to her.  Everything we talk about just seems so interesting, to me I guess.  We can be talking about some of the most simple things in life, and I'm floored.  It's entertaining, it's inviting, it's intoxicating.  I'm an addict to this beautiful drug.  It amazes me how fortunate at times, and I just sort of marvel at it all, what a beautiful world it is.  My time with her seems to make days go by in the blink of an eye; it's incredible.  I'll just chat with her for hours and not realize that the sun has actually gone down.  She is so amazing, I love her for who she is, and most importantly I understand her, how she acts and everything.  You'd think I would have learned this sooner.  I think our small fights in the past were just road bumps because we felt we understood each other, when really, we did not.  It's funny, sometimes, okay, a lot of the time, were not even talking about anything, just being cutesy with each other.  It's so cutesy it would like make some get sick because it's so "awww baby", awww this" and "aww that", but I love it.  I'm a sweet purpose, so tells me.  She never ceases to amaze me with the sweet things she tells me.  She says I deserve them, and I'm even more amazed.  We also talked architecture a bit, which is always fun for me.  It's my major, I mean come on, how could I not want to talk about it?  Later on, I actually pretended to multitask... I don't believe in that shit.  The stuff just doesn't work, it's fake.  There's just no way to process it all, I mean to take in more than one thing at a time.  I honestly think it would require two brains and two pairs of eyes, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  It's just not possible.  I often think of a productivity guru who's currently working on a book named Merlin Mann who says things like,

I laugh at stuff like that, but it's completely true, well maybe not for some.  She can.  She like does work, and everything all while talking to me, it's insane!  If only I had talent like that.  Maybe that's how she accomplishes so many things, how she gets it all done.  Alright, I'm sure I'm getting repetitive by now, and she's telling me to just publish the damn thing already, and i'm sure whether I do or don't.  I get a feeling of gratification posting things like this, I dunno.  It's like sharing my feelings, and putting it up on the interweb, there's a feeling of accomplishment.  Even if it's just a few notes down on a paper that I scan and upload, I feel like I've done something.  It's nice.  I know not everyone is comfortable with doing it, but it's just something I do, to past the time I suppose?  No, there must be something more to it though.  Maybe I just enjoy talking about her haha.  Yeah, that must be it.  This has been a status update from my heart.  

• P.S. She already knows this, but in case I wasn't clear, I did this entirely out of my own reasoning.  I read it over, and it seems as if I was told to write this forcefully, like these aren't my own words.  That's actually not entirely true, there was quite a bit of money involved.  Pay up I need to feed my family.

I was confused I guess you could say.  I didn't know what I wanted at the moment, and perhaps I was rather confused about it all.  I never thought about what it meant or where it would go, I felt that we were two people wandering aimlessly in this thing we called "love".  I think we understand each other on a level that we've never reached before.  She says she's at the point where she cares too much about me to have anything else get in the way, and that hit me hard.  For some time, I was convinced that she was merely talking to me because I was the only one who invested as much time into hearing her talk and listening and remembering what she said.  I cared.  Over time though, I've realized that it was something more, it was true, and I wasn't merely being used for the things that are good about me.  No, I soon found out that there was no other guy in the world that she would want; I believed her.  I just found it hard to gather, considering her status and how she has pretty much every quality a guy could want.  It was hard to comprehend for me.  I have never had a girl in my life openly admit that they  cared that much about me.  We've both made several mistakes in the process of our relationship, but they've all been apologized for and forgiven extensively.  I feel that any problem we ran into in the past was merely a small bump in the road on our journey ("journey" I know, corny right?).   It finally feels right, in the past we were always uncertain what it would lead to, I think we finally have some solid ground under this thing now.  She explains it better than I can, ask her if you don't believe me.

I tried to be as brief as possible, but sometimes you sort of just start typing and your thoughts get funneled onto the internet as you think them.  I think, type, think some more while I'm typing and try to find some way to sealed the envelope on this email message to my Posterous.  I got most if not all of what I wanted to into this post besides her name.  I consider that to be private.  In fact, I consider our relationship in general to be something very secretive that her and I only share to our closest friends.  Only a few of my friends know who she is, and despite the criticism she gets, I think from those select few, I think she's just misunderstood.  I think there's a lot more good in her than bad, and it doesn't bother me anymore what happened in the past.  I understand that I was hurt by her, but she was equally hurt by me, so it would be hypocritical to stand her and say that "you did this and that, and I was completely innocent", because I wasn't.  I think about the future of the relationship of what will happen with her and I honestly don't know.  What I do know is that it feels very different than it did before, and much stronger.  I know she feels the same.  We have this bond, this solidarity between us, that I don't think was ever there before.  I love us.