Hey Yall!

I know I haven't posted in a few days, but just stopping by to say a few things.  This week is Thanksgiving, which is pretty great if you didn't notice.  I'm gonna eat like a ton of food, and just sit and get fat.  It should be nice getting the family together again, and seeing my relatives.  I always love being together during the holidays because my family members are funny and loving, and they are really great people.  I might catch up some work I have due in a couple of weeks, and I have a presentation the Monday I get back, that I'm planning to like totally own.  I'm also planning to do some bonding over break with my love.  Right now I'm studying for my political science quiz tomorrow, and then go to bed, or talk to my baby.  Sorry, if my excessively cutesy talk makes you vomit, but I actually find enjoyment out of it.  So you can either stop reading or suck it up.  Oh, the trip yesterday to LACMA and a few other art museums / galleries in LA was great yesterday.  It's funny how much you tend to forget how bad poverty is, until you take a trip to a bigger city, and see so many homeless people.  I always wonder how they got there, what they had before, what they were, why they are there now.  They seem so helpless, whether they deserve to be on the streets or not, they just look like they've lost all hope, and they have nothing in them.  It's really unfortunate, especially during the holidays.  I think about how lonely they must feel during the holidays.  I think about how fortunate I am to still have someone to support me even though I haven't moved out yet or don't have anyway to support myself on my own yet.  I'm greatful for what I have been given, and I honestly hope that I am not taking advantage of my privileges and gifts given to me in life.  I feel so loved in life right now, and it's a good feeling.  Sometimes, I just sit and marvel at the amount of love I receive from my family, my friends, my girlfriend, and I just soak it all in and feel so special.  If you're reading this, and you know me, thanks for being so awesome to me.  You people rock, seriously.
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oh....so that's why it did that

Finally figured out why posterous hasn't been posting properly lol. I was emailing out of another serv---.....uhmm.... geek stuff don't worry about it. Good news though, I can finally post again! I guess that's good news? Anyways, so worried about this Physics test, a lot of the material isn't making any sense. I think I'm going to study at home in my room until I have to go to school in Howard Hughe's fashion. Lock the door, shut off all the external noise, and just focus. I feel like that's the only time I really get anything done anyways. I'll just sit in a bath robe and work haha. Should be interesting... This weekend I'm going with my buds from Architecture to check out LACMA and a few other art museums and galleries. That should be fun. We should go clubbing afterwards, eh, people probably have actual work to do. With finals coming up and the semester coming to a close and all. It feels like this semester just started yesterday...wow. It's just gone by in the blink of an eye, crazy. Anyways, that's that, just wanted to get a post up, since I haven't done one in days. Arevaderche for now!
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Posted for Reasons Unbeknownst to Me.

Was I right?  Someone tell me.  (I tried to be brief)
Perhaps it was infatuation.  Maybe I was just crazy about this girl that could do no wrong, and always seemed to know the answers.  I think I bottled up my feelings about her though, I think I wasn't completely honest when I should have been, you know?  I mean I loved this girl with everything, and I just couldn't explain it to her, she was just too sweet.  I know we'll never talk again, and I know this is my decision.  Everything about it is hard, I mean even the period when I was away from her, I still thought about her a ton.  I acted like "oh, yeah I just totally forgot everything, but it was still there, and I didn't even say that".  The worst part was I was still logging into Facebook (even though I promised a close friend that I had deactivated my account) and still checking on her profile?  Weird? Yes.  Completely fucked up?  Probably.  I just wish people could understand me, I mean, I wish I even understood myself at times, because honestly sometimes I make no fucking sense.  Maybe I was just acting incredibly irrationally because I was in a relationship, and I didn't know how to react to the amount of love I was given, that I never truly appreciated.  I should have.  Knowing what I do now, I wish I would have been more appreciative of everything, everything that was offered and taken from her.  I should have listened to her, and lived for the moment, because it was such a short thing.  I have all these thoughts running in my head, and I can't shut them up.  I sat down to work on my stuff for school, and I just don't even want to go into what I was thinking.  It sickens me to think that I'm like this.  I wish I could be like other people, and simply shut them out.  I cannot.  I wish I could stay true to my word, and not fuck things up.  I cannot.  It's disheartening, I think about the effect I have on people and I honestly wonder, have I hurt people like this that I loved as bad?  I certainly hope not.  She was a good girl, nothing wrong about her.  She has just about every aspect a guy could like in a girl.  She said she didn't "expect anything of me", but I felt as if she deserved the world, and that I could not give it to her.  She tried to explain to me that it was not like that, and I declined.  I was foolish.  I still am.  So here I am, writing at approximately 8:31am in the morning, I did not sleep very much last night (I went to bed at 2).  Hopefully I can get some rest in tonight because I'll need it for this week.  I've got very many things going on that I need to stay on top of.  I just didn't like the uncertainty of it all, you know?  I am a person that feels that if I don't have control, or I cannot see where something is going, I feel uneasy.  I wish she understood how sorry I was for everything I had done to her, emotionally, physically, psychology.  I'm not asking for an apology, I've been given more than any human being on this planet deserves.  I just wish she would try and understand that I tried, even if it didn't feel like it.  Even if it always felt like I was doing a half ass job with the relationship.  I tried telling her I'm just not good at this sort of thing, and being her sweet self, she denied it to be true.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  You don't just meet girls like anywhere.  They're special.  I feel like I've been handed a million dollars, and been told that it was rightfully mine, yet I somehow passed up the offer, and said I could not accept it at this time.  I thought maybe I would just need a week to think, but I've had time, if I don't know now, I will never know!  Every guy I know (okay well most, some of them are sleazy bastards) would give their right arm for a girl like this, for such an opportunity, why can't I accept?  I think we ended things in the best way possible, both complimenting each other, and although it was ugly, I think deep down, she understood me.  And she knew that even though this was entirely my decision, she could accept it, because she truly knew how I was.  She loved everything down to my middle name (which is Scott), how could she not understand you know?  Anyways, she still knows how I feel so I guess that's all that matters to people in life, you know?  (why am I asking you? I don't know.)  Not leaving any problems unsolved, or tasks left to be finished.  She kept saying "this is what you want, you're happy, you should be happy (variations of that)... and I don't know what will make me happy in life anymore.  It's crazy, like I thought she was what made me happy in life, but that's insane to be so dependent on someone to feel any sort of cheerfulness.  I was talking to my Mom about this last night, and she mentioned that, "maybe you're just dependent on her to get through your day or make you happy, or share your thoughts and be open with them".  At the time, I was like, no that can't possibly true.  Sadly, I started realizing it was... Checking my cellphone during the day, thinking about her; to most that would probably deemed pathetic right?  Like I must have some serious issues right?  I dunno, she always said of all the guys she dated, I was the only one that really cared.  Sometimes I think I cared too much, not that she wasn't worth caring for, but that it worked toward my detriment.  I would talk to her for hours and hours, just not getting anything done, just devoting a ton of my time to her completely willingly.  That's why at times, I felt that this was a necessary action that needed to be made.  Like I tried telling her I couldn't stay up late doing phone calls with her or IM'ing her, but I couldn't help it, I was so hooked, so interested.  I'm trying to figure out how I'll get through today, what will I set my mind on, that will allow me to break through this slump I'm in.  I've been through this before, surely I can find a way to get through it, right?  Who knows.  Man, I should write a novella, or maybe even a novel about this, I could write till my hands lose all feeling.  Even then my hands would just continue to jam away at the keys and I would just be sitting here looking at my screen like a zombie.  I'm actually writing a dictionary, it should be out shortly.    I honestly wish I knew why I posted this, and I seriously knew I had the answers to all the problems, but I don't.  Wow, I might actually crash the Posterous.com server, because they've never had a post submitted at this length, how admirable.  Ugh, I feel like an idiot posting all of this, but sometimes I just need to write it out, it's quite analgesic.  Yeah, that's right I used that word, analgesic, look that up in the dictionary why don't you?  I didn't make it up, it's a real word.  Wow, I think I'm just going for length now, but there was a ton of meaning to this post though no doubt.  I'm sure you can find it somewhere in there if you look closely.  Dig around.  Nothing?  Hm, I don't know what to tell you, I just pour my heart out onto the page.  I'm not revising this post, I think it's perfect the way it is :) .  It will probably be one of my last as well (lol), but it was quite a run I had in this whole blogging business.
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Not a good day.

No blog post today.  Okay maybe I'll put some stuff on the web.  I just don't have it in me tonight.  I don't feel right, or good, or something.  I just don't feel myself.  I'm being super productive right now though?  Maybe that's a good thing I'm doing right now, right?  No, I dunno, I couldn't  possibly be more efficient, I tend to not be able to work when I'm not in a good mood.   Maybe tomorrow will be better, I dunno I just feel weird.  I'll put up some songs I've been listening to recently though...I'll warn ya, they're not exactly in the same genre, just skip one if you don't like it.


Motel Motel (Artist) - Coffee (Track)- I like the music video, but it might be a bit too weird for your taste.


The Pains of Being Pure at Heart (Artist) - Young Adult Fiction (Track)- Awesome song, I like the music video more though.  I wish life really happened like this, grainy film, singing, shaky cam, constantly changing, bobbing head to the tune of life.


The Pains of Being Pure at Heart (Artist) - Come Saturday (Track)- I saw some live clips of them playing this song, but Kip Berman's voice was too low, so I just went with this one.


Via Audio (Artist) - Developing Active People (Track)- I like this song, the video is pretty interesting as well.

That's it for now.

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Blog Entry or Journal? Dunno.

Today was just an average day I woke up texted a special person a bit, drove to school while playing the new stuff I got off Sterogum, dropped off my brother.  Did I mention I started to pull away before he shut my car door? That was interesting.... I parked far away from class and had a long walk to the architecture studio to do some work.  I left the Architecture studio like 30 minutes right before my Physics lab because I wanted to get some food in my system, but i couldn't think of anything that was really close by.  I settled for a Panda Express, and downed a ton of Americanized "Chinese Food" in roughly 10 minutes.  It was so wrong.  I was pretty hungry though, so it made sense that I like gobbled down the whole thing.  Then Physics.  Physics lab was fun, we did some work with specific heat, and  it was very basic stuff.  Some guy in my lab had the same type of Posture Foundation Flyers hightop kicks as me, except mine are pure white, his are pure black.  Probably a good idea on his part, I liked the heavenly look of the white though, so i chose white.  Not saying that black shoes aren't good, I've owned quite a few pairs of black shoes.  Afterwards, I went job hunting again, a few places actually said they were hiring so I got really happy when I heard that, and filled out the application real quick.  It's still incredibly embarrassing still not to have a job right now, even if we're in a recession and i believe unemployment rate in California is at roughly 12%, I still believe the people really want the jobs, will get them.  The hard workers and achievers, it makes me sad to think I'm not one.  I was listening to NPR earlier today about how a lady they were talking about on the show had tried approximately 90 or so jobs, and had only a few calls back.  She finally got hired, which is good, but even if that's an extreme case, I still think that the people who are persistent and go getters, and have a good personality, will get the jobs and make the money.  Then again, the publication business kind of sucks right now if you ask me.  I'm still thinking about interning at a local Architecture firm to get my feet wet in the field.  Wendy's getting paid roughly 8 to 20 dollars an hour, depending on the size of the workload.  I don't hear very much from her anymore, she's quite busy, she's a super cool asian gal.  She has an AA in Interior Design from FIDM, which I think is really cool.  Oh, I forgot to mention, I had Gelato at Fashion Island, good stuff.  And... I think that's it?  More of a journal post to me, far too much rambling you know?  I tried to drain my head of all my thoughts and events that happened today and get it on this post.  Hope I did a good job.  Oh, still talking to my love though, I'll probably be up til 2 tonight talking again lol.  It seems like we can just talk and talk for hours and completely disregard what time of day it is, and I mean any time.  Last night it was 3, and like... yeah.  The more confusing thing is she went to sleep an hour and a half later because she said she couldn't sleep (I must have gave her bad dreams or something), and then she woke up for class at...6?  She's a crazy woman, a woman who manages to go to bed that late consistently, and get the highest grade in the class, of all of the students in all of her professor's class.  Just mind boggling, I tell you.  Not enough good can be said about this woman, she's a great girl, honestly.  Why else would I spend all this time talking to her, sleepless hours, daydreams, and everything?  It's about 9:30pm now on November 12, that was my day, just about, up till now.  Hopefully things end well tonight, it seemed pretty rocky earlier tonight.  It made me worry.  
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interesting day? that'll be a huge yes.

Today on the list of things i talked with my lady friend about (you know who you are).........by the way all references of the word, she and her, are referring to my girl (:

-talk about stem cell research (is it right? i don't know)
-talk about cloning (b/c it sorta goes hand in hand with stem cell)
-how to be a productivity master (does it work?)
-Architecture from inert growing materials, is it safe?  (TED video)
-how stupid some people are
-talk cutesy, which always means a lot to me

That's a summary of everything, but I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more attached to her.  Everything we talk about just seems so interesting, to me I guess.  We can be talking about some of the most simple things in life, and I'm floored.  It's entertaining, it's inviting, it's intoxicating.  I'm an addict to this beautiful drug.  It amazes me how fortunate at times, and I just sort of marvel at it all, what a beautiful world it is.  My time with her seems to make days go by in the blink of an eye; it's incredible.  I'll just chat with her for hours and not realize that the sun has actually gone down.  She is so amazing, I love her for who she is, and most importantly I understand her, how she acts and everything.  You'd think I would have learned this sooner.  I think our small fights in the past were just road bumps because we felt we understood each other, when really, we did not.  It's funny, sometimes, okay, a lot of the time, were not even talking about anything, just being cutesy with each other.  It's so cutesy it would like make some get sick because it's so "awww baby", awww this" and "aww that", but I love it.  I'm a sweet purpose, so tells me.  She never ceases to amaze me with the sweet things she tells me.  She says I deserve them, and I'm even more amazed.  We also talked architecture a bit, which is always fun for me.  It's my major, I mean come on, how could I not want to talk about it?  Later on, I actually pretended to multitask... I don't believe in that shit.  The stuff just doesn't work, it's fake.  There's just no way to process it all, I mean to take in more than one thing at a time.  I honestly think it would require two brains and two pairs of eyes, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  It's just not possible.  I often think of a productivity guru who's currently working on a book named Merlin Mann who says things like,

"multitasking is like driving or oral sex - everybody just assumes they're great at it until they start asking around" (11:35 AM Aug 19th from Twitterrific).
I laugh at stuff like that, but it's completely true, well maybe not for some.  She can.  She like does work, and everything all while talking to me, it's insane!  If only I had talent like that.  Maybe that's how she accomplishes so many things, how she gets it all done.  Alright, I'm sure I'm getting repetitive by now, and she's telling me to just publish the damn thing already, and i'm sure whether I do or don't.  I get a feeling of gratification posting things like this, I dunno.  It's like sharing my feelings, and putting it up on the interweb, there's a feeling of accomplishment.  Even if it's just a few notes down on a paper that I scan and upload, I feel like I've done something.  It's nice.  I know not everyone is comfortable with doing it, but it's just something I do, to past the time I suppose?  No, there must be something more to it though.  Maybe I just enjoy talking about her haha.  Yeah, that must be it.  This has been a status update from my heart.  

  • P.S. She already knows this, but in case I wasn't clear, I did this entirely out of my own reasoning.  I read it over, and it seems as if I was told to write this forcefully, like these aren't my own words.  That's actually not entirely true, there was quite a bit of money involved.  Pay up I need to feed my family.
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Brief, but meaningful.

Warning: Disregard the typos & lack of consistency in this post.
Look, I know I haven't written in forever.  I've just had a lot going on in my life.  I've been doing a lot thinking as well, well I'm always thinking, but it feels I've done an extensive amount recently.  I think about things like how people act, and how you should interpret their actions.  Other than that I have some good news, life is exquisite as of now.  Things are happening very fast, almost too fast.  When I'm under pressure I tend to make a lot of sloppy, foolish decisions because I don't know exactly what i want.  And that's unfortunate for anyone who has to deal with me.  The other day, I made a girl cry who was important to me over different issues; I was so cold toward her, and I didn't even think twice about it.  The worst part about it all is if you asked me now to tell you one reason why I did or said those things to her, I wouldn't be able to come up with an answers.  I don't understand myself at times; therefore, I don't expect anyone, even loved ones to understand my reasoning.  I'm just a complex person, or a fucked up person, take your pick.  I guess it just worries me to think that I would do that to a person, especially someone so close to me.
I was confused I guess you could say.  I didn't know what I wanted at the moment, and perhaps I was rather confused about it all.  I never thought about what it meant or where it would go, I felt that we were two people wandering aimlessly in this thing we called "love".  I think we understand each other on a level that we've never reached before.  She says she's at the point where she cares too much about me to have anything else get in the way, and that hit me hard.  For some time, I was convinced that she was merely talking to me because I was the only one who invested as much time into hearing her talk and listening and remembering what she said.  I cared.  Over time though, I've realized that it was something more, it was true, and I wasn't merely being used for the things that are good about me.  No, I soon found out that there was no other guy in the world that she would want; I believed her.  I just found it hard to gather, considering her status and how she has pretty much every quality a guy could want.  It was hard to comprehend for me.  I have never had a girl in my life openly admit that they  cared that much about me.  We've both made several mistakes in the process of our relationship, but they've all been apologized for and forgiven extensively.  I feel that any problem we ran into in the past was merely a small bump in the road on our journey ("journey" I know, corny right?).   It finally feels right, in the past we were always uncertain what it would lead to, I think we finally have some solid ground under this thing now.  She explains it better than I can, ask her if you don't believe me.
I tried to be as brief as possible, but sometimes you sort of just start typing and your thoughts get funneled onto the internet as you think them.  I think, type, think some more while I'm typing and try to find some way to sealed the envelope on this email message to my Posterous.  I got most if not all of what I wanted to into this post besides her name.  I consider that to be private.  In fact, I consider our relationship in general to be something very secretive that her and I only share to our closest friends.  Only a few of my friends know who she is, and despite the criticism she gets, I think from those select few, I think she's just misunderstood.  I think there's a lot more good in her than bad, and it doesn't bother me anymore what happened in the past.  I understand that I was hurt by her, but she was equally hurt by me, so it would be hypocritical to stand her and say that "you did this and that, and I was completely innocent", because I wasn't.  I think about the future of the relationship of what will happen with her and I honestly don't know.  What I do know is that it feels very different than it did before, and much stronger.  I know she feels the same.  We have this bond, this solidarity between us, that I don't think was ever there before.  I love us. 
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Washed Out - New Theory


This video is a trip, the song's even better, and I'm listen to it while I zone out and think about things.
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Who are those four guys?


Whoever they are, they certainly have style.

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This was pretty funny.

Ahhh, Spike Jonze, you make me laugh.
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About

I blog, tweet and post about the things I like/love/ am interested in. I'm drawn to art, design, music, and movies, and am majoring in Architecture and have a few schools in mind that I plan to transfer to, in order to further my knowledge and get my Architectural license.